My Sister’s Husband Is A Bit Of A Ladies’ Man

Dear Agony Bunny,

I’ve always hated my sister’s husband. He’s a manipulative control freak and he’s caused many rows in the past between me, my mum and my sister, and she always sides with him over us. Even my husband, who is very mild mannered, thinks he’s an awful man. Anyway, I recently found out he’s been seeing a girl from his local pub and I want to tell my sister. He’s known as a bit of a ladies’ man and he left his last wife for my sister. But I’m worried he’ll deny it and somehow I’ll look like I’m meddling and trying to cause trouble. My sister and I have fallen out a few times before, usually over him, and I don’t want to lose her. What should I do?

--- Name withheld on request

Dear friend,

I think he’ll absolutely deny it and you will run the risk of looking like the bad person. If your sister thinks you hate him anyway, this will make the arguments worse. He will just accuse you of making things up to cause trouble between them. So unless you have concrete proof, by which I mean pictures, emails or text messages, I wouldn’t say anything to your sister. If you’ve heard it on the grapevine, it’s not exactly strong enough evidence to say to your sister, “Such and such told me he’s been cheating”. Don’t get me wrong but by what you’ve told me about him, it wouldn’t surprise me if he has. But you can’t just repeat what somebody has told you without knowing it’s true. Not when your relationship with your sister is at stake. If you tell her and she doesn’t believe you, you run the risk of damaging your relationship with her for good. Either tell him you’ve heard he’s been cheating and this might scare him into ending things or keep quiet and bite your tongue.

I Feel Terribly Guilty About My Feelings

Dear Agony Bunny,

This sounds awful, but my teenage daughter drives me round the bend. We’re both very headstrong and stubborn and we fight all the time. My son, her younger brother, on the other hand is very easy-going and a total angel. She accuses me of favouring him and I’m starting to worry that actually I do. I feel terribly guilty about my feelings and can’t talk to anyone about it as it doesn’t feel right to dislike your child. But that’s just how I feel. What can I do?

--- MomOf2

Dear MomOf2,

Don’t feel guilty, most mums have been there! You can love your kids but dislike them at the same time, believe me. They drive you to it! Teenagers are full of hormones and angst and nearly all of them clash with their parents Your daughter is in that really horrible teenage stage right now. Your son is younger so he’s got it all to come. Plus, kids have different ­personalities. You say yourself that you’re headstrong like your daughter, so instead of disliking this trait in her, recognize that you’re like that, too. Remember that she’s making that difficult transition from childhood into adulthood. Try to remember how awful it was so you can start to feel some sympathy for her. Perhaps you could say: “You don’t think I know what you’re going through, but I do.” Then you could share some ­rows you had with your own mum growing up. Also, work out what annoys you about each other and try to iron out a few things. But remember, don’t feel guilty! What you feel is completely natural!

I Feel Like Leaving Her

Dear Agony Bunny,

I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend and a few weeks later she found out she was pregnant. I encouraged her to have the baby and now we’ve had ­another child and live together. These days she doesn’t trust me and acts jealous all the time, even though I’ve always been faithful to her. I can’t go out anywhere any more. I’m losing all my friends and things are no longer fun. I have tried to make it work but it’s just not. I feel like leaving her, but the thought of my children stops me. I don’t see any future for us. What can I do?

--- P

Dear P,

The fact is, you had your fun, which ended up in a pregnancy and it sounds like your girlfriend has grown up a bit as a result of it and you haven’t. It’s good that you stood by her when she got pregnant, but try to see things from her side. She’s probably knackered most of the time and doesn’t feel as attractive and sexy as she once did. This in turn makes her paranoid that you’ll go out and meet someone who is more ‘fun’. You definitely need to sit down with her and talk properly about how you feel. Try everything before you give up, then if you’ve tried it all and things still aren’t working, then you can walk away knowing you’ve given it your best shot. You have two kids and your relationship is worth fighting for. It could be down to a breakdown in communication and you’re just not understanding what the other wants. Also, remind her she’s lovely and get a family member to ­baby-sit so you can go out. She might just need to feel secure and loved. Maybe your life is the same but hers isn’t if she’s taken on the lion’s share of the childcare.

Teenage Daughter

Dear Agony Bunny,

My 17-year-old daughter keeps binge drinking at the weekends to the point where she’s often sick. All her friends are doing the same, like it’s some kind of trend, and it’s driving me crazy with worry. I’ve spoken to some of her friends’ mothers and they’re as desperate as me. Every time she’s ill, I give her a huge telling off and she promises she’ll never do it again. But a few weeks later she does. What can I do?

--- Name withheld on request

Dear friend,

Firstly, she shouldn’t be drinking at all because at 17 it’s illegal. But I know that kids do this sort of thing. When I was 18 or 19, I went out five nights a week until all hours. I didn’t binge drink but I would have a few drinks. It soon got boring and tiring and hopefully your daughter will become bored of drinking too much and grow out of it. In the meantime, spell out the dangers to her. As well as the health implications, she could be putting her safety at risk Young girls tend to lose all sense of fear when they’re drunk and can get in taxis on their own or decide to walk home alone. Explain to her these fears and tell her to stick with her friends at all times and call you if there’s anything she needs. Teens think their parents try to spoil their fun, but you must tell her you love her and you don’t want her drinking herself silly each weekend.

Surrogacy - Bad For Our Marriage

Dear Agony Bunny,

My wife became a surrogate mum and roughly a year ago she a gave birth to a baby for an infertile couple. We already have four great kids of our own – two grown-up and two very young children. My problem is, me and the kids don’t want her in our lives any more. I didn’t agree at all with her decision to become a surrogate but I tried to stick by her. I used to love her more than anything, but since the birth I don’t feel anything at all. I don’t even hate her. Every time I look at her, I just feel empty. She always puts the couple she was a carrying a baby for above me and our kids and she invited them to our home when I asked her not to. It hurts to know she cared more about them than us. I understand she wanted to help them, but you can only go so far. I decided not to go to the birth because I disagreed with what she was doing. Since then, the older kids and I have asked her to move out. They’ve cut off contact with her because of her lack of concern for them. I know she loves the kids and I’ve tried to make a go of our marriage, but even when we try to make love, her body repulses me since the surrogacy. I’ve made the decision to end our marriage after 20 years together, but I’ve yet to tell her. How can I break the news I’m going and taking the kids?

--- Gerald

Dear Gerald,

I think you’re all feeling incredibly jealous and perhaps abandoned, which I understand. Your wife has made a massive decision, but it’s not a decision you should make on your own if you have a family. I’m sure she did it for all the right reasons. She was lucky to have four children and wanted to help another couple realise their dream of being parents. You can’t forget the fact she hasn’t taken your feelings into account; she went and did it anyway. However, my first instinct would be to suggest family counseling. Her decision has had a big impact on all your lives and maybe if you all sat down with a mediator, you could sort your feelings and move on. One of the things you could ask your wife to do is not make this couple a part of your lives because it’ll make it harder for you to come to terms with all this. If you really feel you’ve gone past that point, then you have to be honest. Don’t be cruel and say she doesn’t turn you on any more, but say you’ve lost the love you had for her. But you shouldn’t encourage your kids to take sides. It’s your job to remind them how much she adores them. Don’t use them to work out your feelings of resentment. While surrogacy is a fantastic thing, the implications must be considered properly.

Helpless Mother

Dear Agony Bunny,

I’ve been in a relationship for more than 20 years and have two grown-up sons. The relationship was abusive and violent from the beginning because of my partner’s drug problems and his friends. He is now also very ­controlling. I have no mates, no social life and no one to talk to. He is also completely blind to the fact our eldest son is just like him violent, abusive and nasty. I’ve tried endlessly to help my children become more ­responsible adults but have been thwarted at every turn by their father. I know now that my ­relationship with him is over but this just makes me even more afraid for my boys. If I leave the family home, what will become of them? I know they’re old enough to look after themselves but who will guide them when I’m not there? I just don’t know what to do about this. How can I help them?

--- Name withheld on request

Dear friend,

Unfortunately, your kids have grown up watching their dad behave that way, it’s learned behavior. First of all, you should stick by your decision to leave because it doesn’t sound like your partner will ever change his ways. I’d suggest you take the children with you that way, you’ll be able to care for them properly. You should sit them down and explain how hard your life has been with their dad. Make sure they understand they should not treat people the way he’s treated you. Also explain to your older son that he doesn’t have to be like his father. Tell him it just makes people ­unhappy, and that he’ll lose all his friends if he keeps it up. I think moving out will show them just how serious you are. Remember, it’s never too late to get out of terrible situations such as yours. I know you probably can’t bear the thought of your kids being from a broken home. It’s the same reason why so many people stay in ­unhappy or abusive relationships. But, trust me, it’s much worse for your children to be in that kind of stressful, violent environment. I hope things work out.